Burden
by lisa-tid
Summary: Jim holds many lives in his hands. Kirk/Spock slash.


bcenterBurden/b/center

There was a time when all you could do was gaze skyward. This thought struck Jim as he stood staring out the window in the observation room. He could hardly imagine it, and even now there were people who actually chose not to travel through space. No matter what, he could never regret boarding the iEnterprise/i and he tried to stay convinced that all of his crew members felt the same.

Jim leaned his forehead against the glass. Was it really worth it? They went out here knowing there would be sacrifices, and still they left with smiles on their faces. He closed his eyes. That was what was most horrible. It iwas/i worth it.

They all knew what could happen when they boarded a spacecraft, just as everyone knew what could happen if you crossed the street. Only, no one expected it to happen to them. And when it did happen everyone mourned, of course. However, eventually they moved on. Eventually he moved on. In fact, by tomorrow he had no choice but to speak of bravery and honour and then continue command. Already, they were physically moving away from the death pit.

Jim drew in a deep shuddering breath and straightened. He threw one more look into space. At the blackness of it. And then he turned around and left the room. Heading towards his quarters, he nodded shortly to the few members of his crew that he met. They all murmured a respectful "Captain", and made no move to start a conversation. And even in his sorrow, Jim felt a small swell of pride. This was ihis/i crew, and they could move on. They made up for their losses - remembered them and still replaced them. They could function no matter what.

Spock was sitting cross-legged on the floor when Jim entered. Immediately, Jim knew that the Vulcan was not in a deep trance - he practically had one eye opened. He had probably even had Jim as his focus point this evening to be able to stay in touch with him. Usually did when he knew Jim was... in distress. However, Spock stayed on the floor and kept his eyes closed.

No matter. His presence was what was important. Absently, Jim stripped - simply dropping his clothes in a trail leading to the bathroom. The shower felt wonderful, washing away blood and gore and death. For a few minutes he simply stood there with his hands braced against the wall, head bent. Finally, he stepped out and after wrapping a towel around himself he examined the few cuts he had. Bones had made a big deal out of them, of course, going on about unknown bacterium. Nothing new. Jim washed and disinfected them. It barely stung. Despite that Jim felt a burning behind his eyelids. He closed his eyes until the sensation disappeared. It took but ten seconds.

At last, he left the bathroom. Spock was still on the floor, the only difference was that his eyes were now open. Open and unblinking as they regarded Jim as he crossed the room. He offered Spock his hands, who took them and allowed himself to be pulled up.

They both knew this ritual.

Wordlessly, Jim led Spock to the bed where he undressed him. Nothing sexual or sensual. Just hands that trembled slightly as they efficiently removed the Vulcan robe and slacks, before pushing their owner gently onto the bed. Spock lay on his side, curling up against Jim as he joined him.

For long minuted they simply lay there, foreheads pressed together and Spock's hand slowly stroking Jim's side. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

Jim had his eyes closed.

"Does it still become overwhelming?" he asked, not opening his eyes. "I mean, we are practically skin to skin all night."

"No." Slight amusement in that voice. "I believe I have 'got used to you', as they say."

Jim smiled.

"In fact," that voice continued. "I believe I would be opposed to not sleeping in close proximity."

They kissed lazily, more tongue than anything else. Spock pulled Jim closer and he could feel the beginning of an erection nudge his thigh, though he himself was still soft.

"Do you wish to have interc-"

Jim nodded before Spock could finish. He definitely wanted. Most nights he did. On nights like this, not so much for the fucking itself as much for the closeness. And being able to forget for a few precious moments. He was completely convinced that Spock knew this.

It started off as lazily as the kissing and continued like that, slow stroking and rubbing. Both knowing what made their partner feel good and going for it - not many detours and not much teasing. Jim stroked a hand down Spock's lower back and ass.

"Do you want to?" he asked.

Spock nodded, leaning in for another kiss as he pushed Jim into the mattress and straddled his thighs. After picking up the lube - which had a permanent reside on the bedside table - Spock coated three fingers and then sat back to reach behind himself. Jim loved him like this - when he ceased talking and just went with it. Just ifelt/i. It had taken them a while to get to this point of letting go. It was very much worth it to watch Spock drop his head and hear a soft moan escape him.

First now, Jim felt a little bit of urgency. He gripped Spock's hips, rubbing circles into the skin with his thumbs. Spock raised his head to look down at Jim, his eyes heavy lidded. He really never needed much stretching anymore; superior muscle control combined with regular fucking was a really awesome thing.

A minute later Spock's slick hand gripped Jim's erection, fondling it for a moment before raising up and inching forward to be able to sink down onto it.

Afterwards they lay spooned together, Spock's breath hot against Jim's neck. They were both sticky with sweat and come.

"It never gets easier," Jim whispered. "I fear the day it does. Imagine if I could just nod good bye and whistle while I went to the bridge."

"Jim." Spock pressed a kiss against his skin. "You will always do your outmost to never leave anyone behind. You did your outmost today, and during the six years we have served together I have never seen you do anything less."

Jim squeezed the arm around his middle and they were quiet for a few seconds.

"Spock... if I one day just walk away without a backwards glance, you'll kick my ass - yeah?"

"Of course, Captain."

Spock pulled him closer and he relaxed.

"Spock." He murmured, suddenly on the verge of sleep. "Love."

Jim knew he would have nightmares tonight, pictures of bloody faces flashing before him. However, he also knew that he would get up and continue. This work was his second greatest love. Tomorrow he would anew feel joy and pride in having his crew. He would be their Captain and the burden of their lives would weigh heavily on his shoulders - as they should. Lives should never be a light burden.

bThe End/b


End file.
